Childbirth 101

 Let me be frank. Childbirth is hell. Yes it is a beautiful process and one of the happiest days of your life but the things that happen to our poor bodies and the things that occur the days after childbirth just seem sick and wrong. Sick. And. Wrong. No one can truly prepare you for the experience but I'm going to try my best to shed some light on the things that really happen. A lot of people "warned me" about certain things but they never explained to the extent of what I was truly getting myself into. I've heard people say "Once you hold that baby in your arms you would do it all again." No. No I don't feel like that quite yet. Maybe in a few years or so when I forget what "It" was like. I probably should write a book like Childbirth: THE TRUTH

10 Things Nobody Can Prepare you for Childbirth

#10 Jelly Belly
Basically it feels like you are carrying around a sack of jello around your waist. I think a beluga whale's blubber probably feels somewhat like your belly does after childbirth. It was just so weird. I couldn't stop touching and poking it.

#9 The Exhaustion
I have never been so exhausted in my entire life. I literally cannot remember the first 5 hours after giving birth. I was so exhausted that I missed Olive's first bath, not only missed it but didn't even hear her as she was screaming bloody murder right next to my bed. She hated that bath, now she loves them. No matter how much sleep you get you can never catch up because your child is one step ahead of you. Right now i'm insane cause it's 11:00 my baby has been asleep for an hour and i'm blogging, yes I'm an idiot. Yes, i'll regret it in the morning.

#8 The First Time you Stand Up
Oh. My. Have you ever felt like every organ in your body weighs 1,000 lbs and that it's going to fall right out your butt? Well if you haven't experienced this, you haven't experienced child birth. I couldn't believe when I stood up what I was feeling. It was quite unpleasant to say the least and I'm not looking forward to that feeling again in the future. Just know, everything will not fall out, and If it does it will be okay because you will still have a new baby to hold.

#7 The First time you hold that baby
I always thought I would cry when I held my child for the first time, why? Because every time I watch a video of someone giving birth I'm a blubbering idiot when they finally hold their baby for the first time. Well I didn't cry, In honest truth I was so happy to have that thing out of me that I couldn't cry even if I wanted to. The feeling you get when you hold them though is indescribable. Child birth is a miracle.

#6 The squirt bottle, the tucks pads, the icepack, the ointment, and the pads
Might as well order the largest diaper there is on the internet and put it on, basically thats what It feels like. The bathroom is no longer a quick trip. Get ready to spend all your time crying on the toilet. First you put the pad in your mesh panties, then the tucks pads, then the ointment and then the icepack. It really is an ordeal but thank the lord for modern inventions cause I can't imagine birth without tucks pads.

#5 The hemorrhoids
Do I have to say much more? I worked at a care facility for two and a half years and almost all the woman had hemorrhoids. I always wondered why the men never had them but all the woman did. Well no one tells you, childbirth kids! One way ticket to hemorrhoid nation. Unfortunately they never really leave either so learn to love them cause they're here to stay! Like I said, tucks pads!

#4 The First Poop
There should be a book about this if you ask me. Maybe i'll write one. All I have to say is ouch. Hey if you've read this far then chances are you really do want to know what childbirth is about. Here it is: You practically feel like you've pooped a broken beer bottle, but not just a bottle of beer, a 2 liter glass bottle of beer. I've said it twice and I'll say it again, we love our tucks pads!

#3 The labor itself
It's true, no one can truly prepare you for the intensity of labor. I thought I was prepared. I read, watched, took classes and practiced, literally practiced techniques that would help me through labor. Let me just say everything went straight out the window. When you are in that much pain the last thing you want to do is play some silly breathing game. Maybe that works for some of you, It worked for us only the early and I mean EARLY stages of labor. I've heard people describe labor as really bad menstrual cramps, or a metal cleat kicking you in the uterus. I found it to be more like a semi-truck slamming into my inside lady parts. Am I being over dramatic? No, no I'm not. All the advice I have for this one is good luck, everyone finds what works for them, and somehow us women make it out alive (don't know how).

#2 Breastfeeding
"Take a rag and rub it on your nipple" they said. "It's a way to bond with your baby" they said. "It's healthy" they said. I don't care what they say, breastfeeding is hard! If you can survive the first 2 weeks you will be okay, but man, those 2 weeks are full of the sorest nipples you can ever imagine. Glen tried to be compassionate but the only way he could relate was that he once got chaffed nipples at a cross country meet in high school...please. Breastfeeding is also hard because the first month you feel like you're going to explode with milk and every time you try to feed your baby they're screaming cause you're hosing them down in milk, literally, I am not joking. Now we have hit 6 weeks and It finally feels like more of a convenience rather than a burden. The breast is best, but the breast is also beast. I'm glad I'm breastfeeding and I'll take the pain over the inconvenience of illness, sterilizing formula bottles, and carrying around that large can everywhere! Plus we might make it our of Flu and RSV season unscathed.

#1 The Love for your Baby
Nothing can prepare you for how much you can love your little human. A lot of people describe this amazing love they feel for their baby the second they're born. I think I felt love for her but not that overwhelming feeling everyone described. But over the course of the 6 weeks we have had our little Olive Rose my love has grown tenfold. The true way to learn to love someone is to serve them and what better way then to serve your little baby by changing, feeding, snuggling, rocking, kissing, and bathing them? My love has grown and grown for my little baby over the course of our beautiful 6 weeks we have spent with her. So don't worry if you don't have the intense, overwhelming feeling the second they are born, It will come with time. Nothing prepared me to love her this much.