A Serious Post-Glioblastoma

I've put this off too long. It's hard for me to believe that a person can make it through their life without experiencing the death of a loved one, or someone close to us. I know I haven't.

Our next door neighbors, Clyde and Carol are the most incredible people. Since I can remember they have been to all my sporting events, baptism, birthday parties, and even came over to our house for all my dances to see me all dressed up before I left on my dates. Almost every Sunday night was spent at their house playing games, eating junk food, or watching TV/movies. Carol and I went to every Twilight midnight movie together among countless others. I became close with both Clyde and Carol, especially as I have grown older. If I was born 30 years earlier I'm sure Clyde and I would've gotten together. We joked a lot and laughed a lot but he and I talked on the phone often especially when I moved to college. He had failing health due to a disease called Lupus. When I would come down from USU on the weekends I would go sit at Dialysis with him while I studied for my next test, while also visiting and having good talks. He also was so skeptical of Glen, he wasn't impressed by this "going to be a doctor" fella. But he approved, even though he didn't want to. Carol and I were best friends. I'm not kidding. We would laugh so hard I almost would pee. She was so funny and crazy. Dancing in the car, ice cream runs, movies, dinners/lunches, shopping, and don't forget your Hollywood sleeze- she knew everything. Plus she always had a good book to recommend or would have a good TV show to watch. Clyde and Carol have always been there for me. Holidays always had at least an hour spent at their house, and vacations and birthdays we always got a present.

 My 18th Birthday

 One of the many twilight movies!

 Frozen Yogurt

 Christmas 2011

 excuse my tanning addiction and just look how beautiful the other two are..

 Senior Prom

 Graduation

Back in the Fall Glen and I were discussing future plans. I was pregnant at the time and we were tossing around the idea about moving in with my parents. I never thought I would move back in with my parents but for some reason when the idea was mentioned it just felt right. It seemed nice to me. I would have help with the baby and I would get to spend some time with my family before we moved out of Utah. So that's what we did.  The first month flew by especially as we got wrapped up in being new parents to baby Olive. Glen was working two jobs and working the night shift so it was busy. We had lots of visitors coming to see new baby girl and the holidays are always so busy.

On February 9th Glen had just finished a night shift. Olive woke up at about 6:30 and so I put some sweats on. My parents were headed out the door for early 7:00 church meetings. My mom called me as she was pulling out and told me there was an ambulance turning onto our street and she thought it was headed to the Morgans. I gave Olive to Emma and ran over right away and saw the ambulance and cop car in the driveway. I had a sick feeling and new that something was wrong. Clyde would never let someone call an ambulance for him. I was opening the door as the paramedics were coming out. That's when I saw Carol and I knew that Clyde had gone. He had gone peaceful in the night. It was a horrible day. I thought to myself "This is why we are here in Mapleton, so I can be there for Carol through the hard times this summer."

Carol immediately after Clyde's death started acting a little strange. She couldn't remember things that she should have. We had her over for dinner a lot to help keep her busy and she loved being around people. She kept saying things like "I can't leave my kids, they just lost their dad." I thought it was strange that she kept talking about her dying. She also kept expressing how she kept seeing Clyde. He wouldn't stop smiling and laughing and he was driving her nuts! Things kept getting worse. She wasn't getting out of bed for work, she couldn't remember times or dates and she couldn't have a normal conversation. I then started researching on the internet different psychosis that people can go through after the death of a loved one and some of her symptoms matched. We had plans to go to Divergent at 7:20 on March 21st. She was looking forward to it but had gone to the movie theater 2 nights in a row to make sure she didn't miss it because she couldn't remember the date and time. She was also having troubles using her phone. Her daughter called me the morning of the 21st and I told her I was really worried about Carol and I thought she needed to go to the doctor and maybe get a psych evaluation. Her daughter came down to get her dressed and make sure she had eaten and noticed her neck was very swollen. She took her to the doctor right away and he sent them immediately to the ER. They did a MRI and found 4 masses on her brain. They did a biopsy and a week later the result was stage 4 Glioblastoma. With treatments they thought they could buy her a year. They began radiation and she stayed at a treatment center. People rallied and she seriously got the best care I've ever seen. The support was amazing. When it came time for her to leave the treatment facility due to insurance they brought her home. People were spending so much time trying to do shifts with her and make sure she had 24/7 care because she couldn't be left alone. I was spending so much time trying to fill in shifts and help with her care. After a week and a half her family decided that this wasn't possible to do because of how much time and effort it was taking and she had declined a little bit. My mom must've been inspired and one scary night after she had run a high fever suggested that Glen and I move in with her. We spent the next day going to the temple and praying about what was right. Glen needed a little convincing but after we went to the temple we were on the same page and felt really strong that we needed to move in with her. The family couldn't afford a treatment center because they are ridiculously expensive and hiring a nurse full time is even more expensive. Glen and I are both Certified Nurse Assistants and have worked close with meds and dealt with a lot of these situations before. We told her family that we were willing to move in. That night when we sat down with her son and his wife, whom I love dearly, and we told them that we would move in and give Carol the care she needed. I felt Clyde very close. The room was very emotional.  I think Clyde had a plan all along for his wife, and that is why we had moved next door. 

Visiting in the hospital after her biopsy

We had a plan that we would move in until May 30th and then her kids would be able to take over because the grandkids would be out of school. We moved just our necessities over and a nice mattress and started caring for Carol. It was apparent to me right away that things were getting worse. She had started chemo and she had gotten weaker, more tired, and more anxious. The chemo was making her sick and more restless and it took much convincing for me to get her to take her chemo pill. As the weeks went on things got worse. I felt like I was watching someone with Alzheimer's progress in 3 days instead of 3 years. She had a doctors appointment that Glen and her son attended and they were so surprised at her decline they moved her MRI up 3 weeks. Carol then kicked Glen and her son out of the room so she could talk to the doctors on her own. She was very limited with speech at this point. She knew what she wanted to say but she couldn't formulate the words. It was frustrating for everyone, especially her!

 Outing to get Rita's-ended at Coldstone

Trip to the Mall

The next day things were so bad. We had left for a wedding then realized that she needed to go to the ER. Her family took her to the hospital and my friend who works in the ER received her which was another small blessing. They did the MRI right away and it showed that 2 of the tumors had doubled in size in 10 days, with treatment. The doctor she had seen a couple days previous came in and expressed that when Carol had kicked Glen and her son out of the room she had told him that if the cancer was worse she wanted to be done with treatment and wanted to be put on hospice. This was a miracle because she could hardly form a sentence and for her to be able to express her wishes was a blessing, and we were able to honor her wishes with peace of mind. We got on with an AMAZING hospice company, Sunrise is hands down the most amazing hospice company i've seen in my work. The next weekend was Mother's day. She was awake enough to spend time with over 80 people that dropped in and out of her home that weekend. She couldn't talk but could still touch and look at people. The following week was downhill and 7 days later she slipped away so peaceful just after talking to her son in Arizona and surrounded by the ones she loved most.

At the treatment center

In all my nursing experience I've never been on both sides at the same time. It was incredibly hard but the benefits outweighed the difficulty. There is nothing more gratifying than being able to care for someone you love and knowing without a doubt they got the best care anyone could've given them.
 After she had gone the days after were even more difficult. I had spent my every minute of every day and night thinking about Carol, worrying about her, making sure she had her meds and had eaten that for the weeks following I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so glad that she wasn't suffering but life just sucks. Loosing people we love sucks. Sure I'm glad that they are in a better place and I'm grateful for my faith but that doesn't make any of the process easier. The loss is still there.

 The last picture I have with both of them. So glad they met baby Olive

I am grateful for my experiences I had with Carol. I learned humility, sacrifice, service and the blessings that come from that. My knowledge of the Plan of Salvation was greatly increased. You couldn't deny there was a God and an afterlife after you felt the spirit in their home. The experiences that are too private to share were and are numberless. The lessons from this trial, and experience are undeniably some of the greatest I will have in this life.

I love Clyde and Carol and my life will never be the same without them. I know they live on and that i'll see them again someday, but that doesn't take away the sting that comes with missing them. I miss them. I miss both of them so much. I wanted to go to a movie the other night and no one would go with me. So I stayed home and cried because Carol would've gone and I missed my friend. I am a better person throughout these experiences but I also think I'm going grey from all the stress.

Family Pictures

I had a vision of what our family photos were going to look like. WARNING: If you have a vision for your family pictures you better get rid of it real quick especially if it's a "Pinterest Vision" Pinterest Fails Here
 First off I should've known that they weren't going to go as smoothly as I planned because
A) If there is snow on the ground it means it's 32° outside, and in Logan UT it means it's 0° outside. Newborn with snow picture...not going to work.
B) We are not a family of models...quite contrary to your belief haha, ya right.
C) Nothing on Pinterest works. See proof at the above link.

But I had the "vision" people and we trekked out to a snow covered park in freezing temps and thanks to Camille Zolman the pictures turned out pretty damn good. Do they belong on Pinterest? If you ask me, Yes, yes they do. Probably not but they are amazing and they belong on everyone's wall I'd say!

Take a look!

 I think Olive was about done taking pictures.

Saint Jeezy

This past week we had the pleasure traveling to a place where normal people live down in southern Utah. Seriously though, why do we live in such a place where there is snow. I swear every time I come back from a warm trip I curse the snow and swear I'll never settle for anything but the sun....someday I tell you. Briana and Baby Hannah flew into Vegas from Delaware and spent the whole week with us down in St. George. We enjoyed playing tennis, although our family is a bit competitive, and when I say a bit I mean like almost break up our family ties competitiveness....thanks mom. (visions of board games flying and doors slamming due to the competitive nature of a select few) We really did enjoy playing tennis. I enjoyed coaching Glen...he did not. We laid by the pool and swam and shopped and played at the park. Baby Hannah is so fetching smart. She's so smart. Poor Olive. She got failure of parents. Glen even said to me "I don't think Olive will genetically have what she needs to be as smart as Hannah." Thanks Glen, so glad you have faith in our children and their genetics. We will pray to the good lord above that she got your smarts. We also enjoyed an evening at the sand dunes. Hannah loved the sand dunes, she didn't like the sand in her eyes though. She was quite confused why the sand was getting in her eyes when she threw it in the air, she really is smart though. We all laughed really hard and it felt nice to have us all there as a whole again. We sure do miss our Delaware friends, it's just not the same without them. Glen and I took the lovelies back to Las Vegas where we stayed at the Golden Nugget, it had an awesome shark tank in the pool. It also had a cockroach run across our floor so I don't think we will be indulging ourselves in any Golden Nugget hotel staying in the future. We stayed an extra night and had a little Valentines/Med School/Vacation celebration. We met Dad and Lori for dinner that night which was wonderful then enjoyed some milkshakes and the Las Vegas lights. It was so nice to have Glenners to myself the next day and of course we shopped. We shopped until I was ready to go home which is rare because that probably means I've been in every store two times and bought something in each one. I love ya Glen, cheers to more Valentines Days full of love and shopping. Here's some pictures to enjoy.

 Shark tank swimming pool

 Hannah cutie!

 Dinner with the Bennions!

Las Vegas strip pic.

 Goodbye Hannah at the airport.

 What a good daddy!

 SAND DUNES!

 Baby Hannah & Em enjoying the sand

 Grandma being the best Grandma

 Buried baby

 Even Olive stuck her little toes in

 The sisters!

Current Sitch

People keep asking "What are you guys doing right now, where are you living?" I guess it's their nice way of saying "Why are you living with your parents? Are you going anywhere in life?" I realized that the amount of people who keep asking us this is probably due to the lack of me keeping people updated on our current situation.

I guess life is full of unexpected things; pregnancy, marriage (hopefully not in that order), mosquito bites, sunburns, and living with your parents. I always thought I would be caught wearing Walmart clothing before I would ever move in with my parents. (Calley those jeggings from Walmart are legit, they don't count). Well you heard it from me. We are currently living with my parents and loving every minute of it, I can't speak for the other party involved though. Seriously though, It has been one of the best decisions we have made. We split meals so I cook two days a week and Katrina cooks two days a week and Clo Bot and Kelbs each take a night. We are eating like kings over here people. Olive, Katrina and I, well, we just party all day everyday. We have become the best of friends. We started remodeling my Uncle's apartments so we have spent most of the past two weeks cleaning, painting, ripping out carpet, vanities, and doing some serious reno. Katrina is a bad a$$. She knows all the tricks and I am learning so that someday I can take on my own house, or maybe just learn how to boss around the people I hire to do my own house. Olive sits in her swing for hours and watches us as we paint and have serious conversations about life and gossip. As for the gossip...I'm learning a lot of things I wish I didn't know. We also do grocery shopping together and Olive and I have occasionally go and watch her grandma tear it up on the tennis court. It's been nice to have help and man Grandma has saved Olive's mother more then a few times with diapers, and sleepless nights. We have loved our time here at the Harlan household we are thinking we should make it permanent, kidding mom, we will move out in July, I promise.

Yep we are moving out come July. "Why?" you may ask. My smarty pants husband got into Medical School. If I was ever going to drink vodka in my life it would probably be to celebrate the moment we found out he got excepted. But I don't drink vodka. We are ecstatic. I used to think that doctors took a little too many vacations and got paid way to much. After seeing what it took just to get into Med School we damn well better be going to Hawaii once every month. Glen has put in so much hard work that it has been inspirational to me. I thought about trying to be like him in my school work but I've excepted that I would rather have fun. After an amazing recovery of his MCAT score he received an opportunity to interview up in WA state at a school called Pacific Northwest University. We only applied to four schools, which some of you may know most people apply to at least ten, they also have rich parents to help them. Out of those four schools two rejected him, one put him on their wait list, and the other he received an interview. He flew out Friday afternoon for his interview on Saturday and stayed with a good friend of his who is currently attending the University. Glen fell in love with the school. After visiting he felt like it would be such a good fit for our new little family. After hearing that we would hear back the next Tuesday about an acceptance, Wednesday rolled around and we were getting worried...then Thursday hit and we were anxious. Glen was literally sitting on the toilet when they called. I'm serious. He also picked up the phone cause he knew who it was. I'm serious. From the royal throne Glen received his acceptance call from PCNU. We both cried. I guess if we drank vodka this is the part where we would drink vodka from the toilet because that is where we were when we found out  we got excepted. So come July we are taking our butts to Yakima WA. Can't wait.

For those of you who are super jealous you shouldn't be. The nice rainy Northwest weather is not in
 Yakima. You still can be jealous cause I have a hot husband and a fetching adorable baby but I guess we can't have it all cause Yakima is basically like Utah weather, but sunnier. Here's a picture I posted a while back. I searched pictures of Yakima in google and no joke that picture on the right is the picture it pulled up.

So living with my parents is temporary, but we love Mapleton and maybe someday we will come back. As for now we are enjoying every minute.

Childbirth 101

 Let me be frank. Childbirth is hell. Yes it is a beautiful process and one of the happiest days of your life but the things that happen to our poor bodies and the things that occur the days after childbirth just seem sick and wrong. Sick. And. Wrong. No one can truly prepare you for the experience but I'm going to try my best to shed some light on the things that really happen. A lot of people "warned me" about certain things but they never explained to the extent of what I was truly getting myself into. I've heard people say "Once you hold that baby in your arms you would do it all again." No. No I don't feel like that quite yet. Maybe in a few years or so when I forget what "It" was like. I probably should write a book like Childbirth: THE TRUTH

10 Things Nobody Can Prepare you for Childbirth

#10 Jelly Belly
Basically it feels like you are carrying around a sack of jello around your waist. I think a beluga whale's blubber probably feels somewhat like your belly does after childbirth. It was just so weird. I couldn't stop touching and poking it.

#9 The Exhaustion
I have never been so exhausted in my entire life. I literally cannot remember the first 5 hours after giving birth. I was so exhausted that I missed Olive's first bath, not only missed it but didn't even hear her as she was screaming bloody murder right next to my bed. She hated that bath, now she loves them. No matter how much sleep you get you can never catch up because your child is one step ahead of you. Right now i'm insane cause it's 11:00 my baby has been asleep for an hour and i'm blogging, yes I'm an idiot. Yes, i'll regret it in the morning.

#8 The First Time you Stand Up
Oh. My. Have you ever felt like every organ in your body weighs 1,000 lbs and that it's going to fall right out your butt? Well if you haven't experienced this, you haven't experienced child birth. I couldn't believe when I stood up what I was feeling. It was quite unpleasant to say the least and I'm not looking forward to that feeling again in the future. Just know, everything will not fall out, and If it does it will be okay because you will still have a new baby to hold.

#7 The First time you hold that baby
I always thought I would cry when I held my child for the first time, why? Because every time I watch a video of someone giving birth I'm a blubbering idiot when they finally hold their baby for the first time. Well I didn't cry, In honest truth I was so happy to have that thing out of me that I couldn't cry even if I wanted to. The feeling you get when you hold them though is indescribable. Child birth is a miracle.

#6 The squirt bottle, the tucks pads, the icepack, the ointment, and the pads
Might as well order the largest diaper there is on the internet and put it on, basically thats what It feels like. The bathroom is no longer a quick trip. Get ready to spend all your time crying on the toilet. First you put the pad in your mesh panties, then the tucks pads, then the ointment and then the icepack. It really is an ordeal but thank the lord for modern inventions cause I can't imagine birth without tucks pads.

#5 The hemorrhoids
Do I have to say much more? I worked at a care facility for two and a half years and almost all the woman had hemorrhoids. I always wondered why the men never had them but all the woman did. Well no one tells you, childbirth kids! One way ticket to hemorrhoid nation. Unfortunately they never really leave either so learn to love them cause they're here to stay! Like I said, tucks pads!

#4 The First Poop
There should be a book about this if you ask me. Maybe i'll write one. All I have to say is ouch. Hey if you've read this far then chances are you really do want to know what childbirth is about. Here it is: You practically feel like you've pooped a broken beer bottle, but not just a bottle of beer, a 2 liter glass bottle of beer. I've said it twice and I'll say it again, we love our tucks pads!

#3 The labor itself
It's true, no one can truly prepare you for the intensity of labor. I thought I was prepared. I read, watched, took classes and practiced, literally practiced techniques that would help me through labor. Let me just say everything went straight out the window. When you are in that much pain the last thing you want to do is play some silly breathing game. Maybe that works for some of you, It worked for us only the early and I mean EARLY stages of labor. I've heard people describe labor as really bad menstrual cramps, or a metal cleat kicking you in the uterus. I found it to be more like a semi-truck slamming into my inside lady parts. Am I being over dramatic? No, no I'm not. All the advice I have for this one is good luck, everyone finds what works for them, and somehow us women make it out alive (don't know how).

#2 Breastfeeding
"Take a rag and rub it on your nipple" they said. "It's a way to bond with your baby" they said. "It's healthy" they said. I don't care what they say, breastfeeding is hard! If you can survive the first 2 weeks you will be okay, but man, those 2 weeks are full of the sorest nipples you can ever imagine. Glen tried to be compassionate but the only way he could relate was that he once got chaffed nipples at a cross country meet in high school...please. Breastfeeding is also hard because the first month you feel like you're going to explode with milk and every time you try to feed your baby they're screaming cause you're hosing them down in milk, literally, I am not joking. Now we have hit 6 weeks and It finally feels like more of a convenience rather than a burden. The breast is best, but the breast is also beast. I'm glad I'm breastfeeding and I'll take the pain over the inconvenience of illness, sterilizing formula bottles, and carrying around that large can everywhere! Plus we might make it our of Flu and RSV season unscathed.

#1 The Love for your Baby
Nothing can prepare you for how much you can love your little human. A lot of people describe this amazing love they feel for their baby the second they're born. I think I felt love for her but not that overwhelming feeling everyone described. But over the course of the 6 weeks we have had our little Olive Rose my love has grown tenfold. The true way to learn to love someone is to serve them and what better way then to serve your little baby by changing, feeding, snuggling, rocking, kissing, and bathing them? My love has grown and grown for my little baby over the course of our beautiful 6 weeks we have spent with her. So don't worry if you don't have the intense, overwhelming feeling the second they are born, It will come with time. Nothing prepared me to love her this much.

Olive's 1 Month Birthday

I can't believe it has already been 1 month since Olive was born. I can't believe my baby is one month old! I can't believe I survived child birth. I can't believe I survived the aftermath of childbirth. Really though nothing can prepare you. I definitely wasn't prepared for how hard the recovery part was afterward, and I had it pretty easy. I also wasn't prepared for the painful experience of breastfeeding and how frustrating it can be at times. I survived though....well I'm still trying to survive and somehow I think I might make it, this calls for a celebration if you ask me. I have finally felt more like myself the last week. The hormones have made me pretty wacky, or just a witch, take your pick. Poor Glen. Like I said we are surviving, well I guess I can't speak for Glen.

Olive is one month old HOORAY! 

Olive weighs 10 pounds exactly. She has started to smile, no I mean it, she really smiles, she's not just pooping. She loves to eat, sleep and poop, pretty much the basics of being a baby. She loves her swing, sleeping with her parents in the early morning, snuggling, and being held. She loves when people sing to her and she really smiles when someone is in a intense discussion or talking passionately. She really hates books, I try to read to her and she screams, I'm trying not to be worried and am hoping in the near future she will start enjoying them. She also hates tummy time, being poopy, and when people are paying attention to their phones instead of her...okay that last one is more one of her mothers pet peeves but we'll pretend Olive and I are a lot alike.

We have absolutely loved almost every minute of parenting this little diva. I say almost every moment because I'd be lying if I said I enjoy my precious sleep being disturbed. It really is hard work on everyones part trying to raise a diva. Olive is our joy and I can't imagine life without her. Somehow she makes us feel complete. Our family has grown to three and I can't remember what It was like when it was only two of us (actually I can remember but I try not too cause I miss being able to be spontaneous) Really though we love our little Olive and she has changed our lives in so many beautiful ways. I love waking up and seeing her sleeping in her bed next to us. I love hearing her coos and I even love when she does her squeals to let us know that she needs attention. She's such a good natured baby. We are truly blessed and have so much to be grateful for. I don't know how life could get much sweeter. I don't know what we did to deserve such a perfect little person.

Here's her 1 month collage...just so you know we hardly take any pictures of her...just kidding, this is probably 1/3 of the pictures we have, I'm obsessed with her. I'm basically like one of those crazy cat lady's that take a million pictures of their cats but Olive is my cat. Enjoy.